I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on coping with fibromyalgia-induced pain. My bipolar meds are fine-tuned enough that it’s usually under control, and I know all the warning signs and have my list of coping mechanisms ready. I do what I can to prevent migraines (wearing sunglasses, avoiding too much dark chocolate, avoiding other triggers), and have medications that usually work.

I like to think that I kind of have things “under control,” or at least well managed.

Recently I got hit with a new kind of pain. I’ve had occasional foot pain this fall, which got better when I switched shoes and insoles. On Thursday, though, I found that the occasional pang in my right foot was interfering with my ability to walk…causing me to limp…causing me to throw my body out of alignment…causing everything to hurt (an 8/10 on the “pain scale”)…causing my mood to just come crashing down. I worried about when it would end, how I would cope, and just wanted to scream. I tried doing mindfulness meditation. It helped a little bit with my mood, but I really became aware of just how much I hurt. My pain started feeling like a Jackson Pollock painting. (You know, the ones with all the paint drips everywhere?) It was a discordant symphony of pain – stabbing, burning, crawling, icy, hot, and on and on. I have a lot of experience with pain, but I had never felt anything quite like this.

There is something about unfamiliar pain that is much scarier than pain you know. There is all this emotion tied up with the pain. “When will it end? Is this something acute or chronic? How much will treatment cost? How will it affect my daily life? Am I going to be able to exercise? Am I about to go into a bout of a bipolar flare-up too? I don’t think I can take much more of this…” With fibromyalgia, it’s mostly, “Oh, this again. I know how to deal with you. If you get really bad, I’ll call my doctor.”

I woke up with pain yesterday morning, and managed to get an appointment with my physical therapist right away. She helped a lot, put tape on my knees, etc. I was pain-free all day (always a plus). Later in the evening, though, I found myself with stabbing pain in my foot when I was sitting at the computer. I quickly found the pain spreading throughout my body, and consequently spreading through my consciousness.

I ended up in bed, sobbing and having a panic attack. It was not a fun night. I’m worried about the potential cause, how long it will take to treat it, etc. I really enjoying walking as exercise, and I’m afraid my body will suffer from not being able to get out. I have to climb stairs to get to my bedroom and my office. My brain went on and on into worst case scenarios and pain, and everything started to spiral out of control.

I tried Tylenol, with no luck. I tried my usual dose of Tramadol (25 mg). I tried the higher prescribed dose of Tramadol (a total of 50 mg), and that eventually started to dull the pain. It also knocked me out, which meant I didn’t have to think about the pain for about eight hours. Sleep helped, too. This morning, I’m achy and the only real pain is in my foot.

I managed to get an appointment with a podiatrist my friend recommended. The appointment is in 13 days. I’m going to try not to catastrophize about what might happen, and try to be in the moment.

Here’s hoping for inner strength and compassion towards myself.

Early post (Tuesday instead of Wednesday) because I feel like sharing now instead of later.

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